We have a new worry list. Forces beyond our control have put these horrors out there. Sorry to be the messenger, but something must be done.
I think the best way for you to remember what they are, these terrible things, is to apply the threatening inventory to a song. Either Billy Joel’s “We didn’t start the fire” or R.E.M.’s “The end of the world as we know it” will work. OK, steel yourself and sing along. Here’s the list:
Turkey neck, mom butt, love handles or muffin top.
Cankles, bat wings, double boobs and poochy pooch.
Back fat, side boobs, chubby-chubby-chub chub rub.
I found these phrases splashed across an eight page spread of a popular national magazine. The tease-y cover headline shouted, “When Bad Muffin Top Happens to Good Women—Perfect Fashion Fixes for Imperfect Bodies.”
So we can “fix” our “imperfect” bodies? January must be minutes away.
But please, remain vigilant. This is serious. Because, as a subscriber of this magazine, I have learned it is time to declare war on things like cankles. Unfamiliar? Allow me to lift the description straight from the issue: “Thickness in the lower leg region, with little or no distinction between calf and ankle.”
The informational piece goes on to say sturdier ankles are largely genetic, so diet and exercise will not eliminate this enemy. Neither will surgery, which is part of the arsenal to combat most of the other listed imperfections, whew. But got cankles? Jimmy Choo shoes to the rescue.
With the other “pressing body problems,” surgery is a flippantly mentioned option, just like buying a new shade of lip gloss. But that’s if all the camouflaging products on the conveniently listed .com sites don’t work first.
Consider bat wings, a fun phrase for the “flabby” skin on the underside of the upper arms. They are also called “arm flags” if you’re feeling patriotic, which you should. If one is not ready for the knife, upper arm “shape wear” is the proper way to store these all-American flags, for just 64 bucks. Spandex can remedy thunder thighs, muffin top or tummy pooch as well. The pooch, I should mention here, is also known as a “bay window.”
Then there’s the “Mom Butt” menace. I was completely unaware of this particular threat to our collective well being. According to the expose, a Mom Butt is “a flat, elongated backside, without any shape or definition.” It can be rectified with padded panties from various websites. I’m a bit mystified by this, because I am a mother, and I know quite a few mothers. All of us have rears of various shapes and sizes. Booty diversity rules. So don’t peg this one on moms, silly magazine.
The self-loathing mindset, with women as a main target, is one big, fat industry, ain’t it?
Here’s my “Aha!” for 2012: Eradicate the glossy subscription. Because, as R.E.M.’s Michael Stipe once sang, I feel fine.